From Probing to Solving Problems: Accepting Responsibility

As children, our parents told us not to fight with anyone but when we came back crying that one of our peers beat us, they lashed us further. Many people did not thresh out the message in that experience on time, perhaps, because it was a hard one.

Basically, there are two significant lessons: first, being righteous and gentle is not tantamount to foolishness and powerlessness; we are to use power offensively to achieve our aims without hurting others, but where others attempt to use their power against us, we are to act defensively to protect ourselves. In fact, we are to be “wise as serpents and harmless as doves.”

The second lesson is rather a basic interpretation of the first than being independent of it: we are to take responsibility for our lives and never surrender our lives to the control of others. Accepting responsibility is the second important and indeed powerful way to apply discipline in order to prevent and solve our problems. (You can find the first one here.)

Psychologists, Pastors, Coaches, Doctors, Lawyers and anyone who is in the position to give counsel to clients often observe a recurring pattern among people who lament about their problems: they are usually excusing themselves and incriminating others.

“My boss makes me work late hours and I get stressed.”

“My boyfriend sleeps with me.”

“She made me angry with her words.”

"My friend does not understand me."

“It is not my fault.”

These problem statements expose the ignorance of people about their real problems – they are not owning their problems; rather, they are reckoning their own problems to be other people’s problems and the ‘culprits’ are not even aware – they are just carrying on with their lives.

This phenomenon of disowning our problems did not begin with us but with our progenitors in the Garden of Eden. When God confronted Adam about eating the forbidden fruit, he immediately passed the blame to his wife: “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate.” Did you also notice another strange part to his denial? He blamed God too by recalling that God gave her to him.

When God confronted Eve, she similarly passed the blame to the serpent: “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.” The denials of Adam and Eve show the depth of human depravity and account for why we often blaspheme against God and even resort to unreasonably blame animals for our own problems. That is why you can now hear people say that their pets, traffic, bad weather, etc. are responsible for their own problems.

We slip into this denial mode at different times and when we believe our lie, we unconsciously disempower ourselves and empower the object of our blame to control our lives in tragic ways. Little wonder, Alice Walker remarked, “The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any.”

“Frequently, our choices lie between the lesser of two evils,” writes M. Scott Peck, “but it is still within our power to make these choices. The difficulty we have in accepting responsibility for our behaviour lies in the desire to avoid the pain of the consequence of that behaviour.”

Often, the miracle we need is for someone to show us how we are denying our problems rather than owning and dealing with them – that was Nathan’s priceless gift to David. And the earlier we have this miracle, the better for us, else our problems get worse and become too overwhelming that some people even succumb to their suicidal thoughts.

By just restructuring those problem statements, we could see how an individual could regain control of his or her life and solve his or her problems by leveraging the power of choice.

“I spend too much time working with my boss and I get stressed.”

“I have sex with my boyfriend.”

“I took her words personally and that hurt me.”

"I am not communicating well to my friend."

“It is my problem.”

The attitude of taking responsibility can be summed up in the title of Robert Schuller’s famous book: “If it’s gonna be, it’s up to me.” Not your pet. Not your spouse. Not your boss. Not the government. Not even God. Your problem-filled life is not how God wants it – it is how you choose to let it be.

Whatever your problems, own them. Every other person is busy with theirs. Don’t try to get comfortable by shifting yours to them. Whether people change or not, it is up to them; whether their misdeeds affect you or not, it is up to you. Take charge of your life!

By the way, you cannot control the weather, but you can surely prepare for it or alter your arrangements to take advantage of it or even, at least, ensure that you reduce its negative effect to the barest minimum.

Again, I invite you to say with me:

“My problems are not perpetual, they are only temporal.”

“My problems are not exclusive, they are only personal.”

“My problems are not just meant to be, they are meant to be solved.”

“My problems are not just problems, they are opportunities to call forth my potentials, birth solutions that the world desperately needs, and inspire many others to do as I have done.”

“My problems will not remain problems; with discipline, I will change my habits and solve all of my problems.”

To your greatness,

Bright Ukwenga

The Chief Scribe