The Evil of Doing Good: Why Many Good People Are Unhappy

It’s the last month of the year when we reflect on how far we have come in achieving our goals, what lessons we have learned and how much we have grown, as well as give gratitude to God for bringing us thus far.

Another significant highlight of this month is the flow of gifts around our networks. And it is this particular act of ‘doing good’ that I want to discuss today. Of course, giving gifts is not something we do in December alone but every month, every week and every day – we are always gifting people our time, talent and treasures.

Now, I wish there was such a beatitude as “Blessed are those that do good; for they shall be happy.” It would have made living in this world easier. Alas, that is only written in the idealistic thoughts of religious fanatics. In real life, many good doers are far from happy. They give to others and go broke. Then they expect others to give to them. And it does not happen. The result? Anger. Bitterness. Unhappiness. And sometimes, hate.

The truth is, it takes more than being a good person to succeed and be happy. You have to add skill to your goodness – be skillfully good – to stand out among the good-and-unhappy pack.

The parable of the Good Samaritan is one of the most popular stories used to explain the need to love others by doing demonstrating kindness. A man was travelling from Jerusalem to Jericho and was attacked by robbers. They injured him and left him half-dead while carting away his treasures.

Two people – a Levite and a Priest – saw him but passed by without helping him. Perhaps, they feared that they might be wrongly accused of the man’s dilemma (we see that a lot in Nigeria) or they simply had other things to do and were pressed for time.

However, a Samaritan came by and without taking thought of the agelong hatred that Samaritans had for Jews, he risked helping the traveller by giving him first aid treatment, then ferrying him to the inn. He left the traveller at the inn and deposited a sum with the innkeeper with a promise to return and pay the price for the treatment in full.

While many people see the sacrifice made by the Samaritan, they do not realize the skillfulness with which he made the sacrifice. In their best-selling book, Boundaries, Christian psychologists, Henry Cloud and John Townsend give a hint about this by painting another scenario which many might be familiar with in their daily affairs.

Imagine that when the Samaritan was about leaving the inn, the wounded traveller calls out to him and says, “Would you leave me here? That would be wicked. Please, I need you to keep me company.” Then the Samaritan agrees to stay.

After some days, some of the Samaritan’s employees come looking for him and they tell him that some clients had decided to terminate their contracts and some other investors had finally decided against investing in his business all because he didn’t show up in the past few days. What would be the reaction of the Samaritan?

That is the problem many good doers face today. When you say yes to every demand made of you and make sacrifices for people without evaluating what you can afford, you are setting up for crisis and unhappiness. You will not reap satisfaction but regrets eventually.

The Samaritan knew well enough to give first aid and take the man to the inn. He didn’t do beyond what he could afford. He didn’t even pay the full amount at the inn. He perhaps reserved some for fuel and to feed himself on his way home. He also knew well enough to leave the traveller there and return to cater to his own business from which the full payment will be made.

While I cannot exhaust the myths, facts and common sense on this subject in one piece, it is important to emphasize here that your supply is always limited, whereas human consumption is infinite. If you choose to live with the messiah syndrome, then be ready to die early like one!

There will always be needs around you. People will never stop asking you to give something. Some will even ask you for even what you cannot afford to give. But the choice is always yours. I remember that some years ago, a lady admired my wristwatch and requested me to give it to her which I willingly did. It was the only watch I had at that time. But I later found out that the lady had no less than ten wristwatches in her collection!

Knowing the limit of your responsibilities to people and setting necessary boundaries is important for you to avoid regrets, stay healthy, and live a happy, fulfilling life.

When some people consider saying ‘no,’ they often feel guilty especially when they think that they would be hurting others and might even lose their friends. Such guilt is usually based on faulty assumptions. If you feel this way, you probably believe that your relationship with your friends is based on what you give – and keep giving. If so, you don’t have a real relationship with such friends.

Probing further, you might even find that those friends are draining you rather than energizing you. Real friends should care about you and respect your boundaries. You need to set boundaries to sieve your friends. Having authentic friends will provide you with a good support system when you have to say no to energy drainers.

Here is another important issue on this matter: Have you realized that people who don’t pay you a dime for your service might pressurize you so much unlike those who pay satisfactorily? I have an answer to this odd puzzle. It is an issue of insecurity.

In every transaction, the person who takes lesser responsibilities always feels insecure. If they had paid something, they would be assured in themselves, knowing that you are bound to do as promised. There will no need for pressure. But when you are the only active player in the transaction, they have to use guilt to manipulate you to accept to do what they want and use pressure to ensure you do it. this phenomenon is very common in one-sided relationships of all sorts.

So, why are many good doers unhappy? Primarily because they do not set healthy boundaries that guarantee their security and soundness. They lose themselves while doing good for others.

John Wesley once said, “Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can.” While doing all the good, remember to stay within your “can.” Give what you can and can what you cannot afford to give!

Make time for soul care. Learn to say ‘No’ without feeling guilty. Set healthy boundaries – know what’s your responsibility and what’s not. Do a personal audit and take steps to increase your power so that you don’t have to depend on energy drainers for your happiness.

“Blessed are those who do good skillfully, they will always find satisfaction in the good they do.”

Bright UK

The Chief Scribe